It has been a minute since I've written. Ok, a lot of minutes.  Quick follow up to the last post. Cameron did in fact start his business, Combustion King, LLC in July 2024. He loves doing the work but it's not predictable income so he is also working part time elsewhere. He hopes to move out of this mama's house soon.  I want to see him successfully launch and am proud of his goals. And I will miss him tremendously. Glad I own  Mom's Laundry to keep him coming home.  ;) 

Fair warning. This is probably full of TMI. No, definitely full of TMI. Feel free to skip ahead. Skim. Close the post. But this is where I've been. My Moxie got a bit sidelined in the last six months. I am rarely sick and refuse to admit I am if I do happen to catch something. But this was for real for real stuff and it's been a hard season. 

TMI starts here. :) In early October 2025, I had some slight PMB and gyn suggested another hysteroscopy like  was done in March 2024 (which had benign results). I told her I didn't want to keep doing procedures over and over and worrying every time there was a spot and asked about just removing everything. She was completely on board and a hysterectomy was scheduled for Dec. 5.

Simultaneously, in October, I was also having urinary bleeding (yes, bleeding from a lot of places at once) and, halfway through waiting to share Crunch bars and Reese's cups with trick or treaters, started having ride-sided kidney pain.  It escalated quickly during a trip to Kroger but I took some strong pain meds and said I'd just lie down and would be fine. After half hour and still writhing in pain, Cameron called it and said he was taking this lady to the ER. I'm so glad he made me go. I was admitted to the hospital and scheduled for surgery the next day due to blockage and infection. Surgery went fine but I had a septic response to the infection afterwards and was in the hospital for 5 days. Scary stuff. It's never good when your team tells you, "You scared us. We were very worried about you."  Fortunately, no infection in the blood and my blood pressure finally stabilized and fever broke. It was a lot and I was so happy to go home. Cameron said he drove 80 to get me. I don't like that info but also am glad he wanted me home. He was super sweet and brought me flowers and a bag of candy when he picked me up. Love, love, love.

I pretty much had a UTI for two months after being discharged. Right before Thanksgiving, I had pre-admission testing for the hysterectomy surgery.  It again showed an infection. I was torn. Do I go through with the surgery or kick it down the road? I was worried about the response I had to the last surgery. I didn't want to end up hospitalized again. Deep inside I felt God urging me to move forward and that same day my gyn cleared me for surgery. So we did it. And it went incredibly smoothly. It was probably the easiest recovery ever. I took a week off but highly recommend robotic laparoscopic surgery. I was back at work remotely two weeks after and then, once cleared to drive, was back in the office on week three. If it weren't for the kidney stent, I would have been feeling completely normal. (I hated that stupid stent! And they wouldn't take it out. Whole other story.) I noticed that results from the surgery were not in My Chart but figured it wasn't a priority since it was a preventative surgery and the lab was probably backed up from the holidays. Oh, silly, silly girl.

I got a call from my doctor on Dec. 22. The call. The one that turns a normal morning at my desk in the office into three months of a blur. Merry Christmas, pathology found cancer in your uterus. Rare. Aggressive. Putting in a referral to oncology. Book a PET scan. Nevermind, insurance won't cover it. Book a CT scan instead. Be on the other side of town next week for scan at 8 am. Sit in the empty lobby on Dec. 30. Drink these 2 bottles of orange drink while watching Ryan Seacrest talk about rehearsals for NYE. Head to a gyn oncologist for results. Peek at results in My Chart. See it's clear.  Skip into the oncologist's office like it was no biggie. All is good. Scan was clear. Right? Those words again. Rare. Aggressive. Not fitting in any specific category. Surgery first step, done. Uterus was removed in tact. But there were some cells in the Fallopian Tube. Need to do radiation for 5 1/2 weeks to prevent recurrence. What? There's more to this? Head spinning. Go meet with radiation oncologist on Friday.  Get a pamphlet and a quick overview of radiation. Schedule a simulation appointment. Treatments start week after. Won't be done until March 6. See you soon.

It all happened so fast. Doctors. Tests. Appointments. Genetic testing. Treatment plans. I am so thankful they moved quickly but I could not grasp it at all. I told my doctor at one point that every time he said aggressive, I couldn't hear anything after that. And I was there by myself. So I had to listen. But I couldn't. I just wrote things down to read later. I went through the motions. And felt nothing. Just doing whatever I was told to do next. And it was a lot of activity all at once. Finally did get the urologist to remove that dang stent, though, before I started radiation. I think they took pity on me. That's fine with me. Good riddance to that annoying thing. Had simulation appointment and then nothing was scheduled until the next week.

Suddenly there was a lull in all that motion. It was sort of jarring to have nothing to run to all of a sudden. I still didn't want to think about it.  Didn't want to think about scary things. But in the quiet of this break, God said, "You HAD cancer."  That verb. Had. He got the cancer out before I knew it was there. It's what I hold onto. That, and He said not to fret, He would hold my hand. 

And then radiation started. 28 sessions. Every day. M-F. 5 1/2 weeks. It was totally fine, except the incessant diarrhea. My team at Mount Carmel was fantastic. I rang the bell at the end. I finished radiation treatment. Two weeks later, new urinary symptoms showed up. Possibly radiation side effect. We are still exploring it and trying to establish treatment.  It's painful. Urethra or bladder spasms. No joke. Feeling like you get stabbed in privates every second is, well, exactly as awful as it sounds.

And here we are in April 2026. A new season. And I pray a new season for me as well. A healthy one.  I will take boring. I didn't realize how nice that was. Easy to take things for granted. So I am intentionally seeing the tulips and pink trees and haze of green on the trees and smelling the hyacinths and waiting for my lilac bush to bloom. It's been a lot. None of these things were in my playbook for my life. Hopefully my time on the bench is ove and I can get my moxie back and get back in the game!

Cameron graduated high school last week. Four days ago, actually. I am so very proud of him. He was salutatorian of his class and received industry credentials in the construction industry. He currently is wanting to start is own business doing small engine repair. However, there have been delays and hurdles and we are trying to figure out if it’s just so we set it up correctly or if the entire plan is the right path. Spoiler alert. I don’t have an answer but there have been some strange goings on.

Weirdly, a few days ago, I started having horrible problems trying to charge my phone. It kept making the charging, not charging sounds back to back, over and over, until I had to turn the volume off entirely. And it wasn’t charging. I tried different cords and different outlets and same problems. Yesterday, Cameron grumbled about the exact same thing happening to him. Neither his phone nor his tablet would charge. Up and down. We decided it was the cords (although both felt it was odd that we both had the same issue and don’t use the same cords or have the same devices.) We bought new cords and everything seems to be fine now. Ended up thinking maybe it was due to electrical issues in the area. The transformers are old and groan a lot. The West side of our sub division had a power outage two days ago. We decided it was probably something going on with the power lines and actual power to the house that would explain both of us having the issue.

Today, we had a cookout for dinner and ate outside on the patio. Afterwards, the dog jumped in the chair with me and then a bird flew super low over my head and it’s wing brushed my hair. My sister had mentioned feeling like birds were flying super low recently when she was here last week. It was weird and out of place. Definitely caught my attention. It did not feel like a coincidence.

Before bed, I did what I always do- unwind with YouTube. As it does, it offers potential videos it thinks I might like. Usually it’s other people reviewing Dollar Tree dupes or police body cam videos or crime investigations. But yesterday it offered Tyler Henry. I had no idea who that was but turns out he is a medium to Hollywood stars. Melissa Joan Hart was on and specifically mentioned being a Christian and concern about mediums due to warnings in the Bible. He explained that those were different than what he does. Watching those convinced YouTube maybe I’d like to watch Long Island Medium, which I watched many years ago. Turns out she has a new show called Raising Spirits on Lifetime. One episode was unlocked and didn’t require a subscription to access. Yes, I watched it. Well, I started to watch it. I only got 7 minutes in when she asked the person in the show if they were having issues with their lights or electronics or phone and said their loved one was taking responsibility for the electronics issues. Suddenly it hit me! I was stunned and sat here with my mouth open and eyes wide. Those dang chargers that wouldn’t work! I had not connected that that interference could be a sign from the other side. I believe mom and/or dad letting us know they are aware of Cameron’s graduation and are with us during this important transition. I went to him in tears letting him know that I think they wanted him to know.

I had been looking at jobs on Indeed for Cameron either shortly before or shortly after the bird incident. He told me to stop because he wants to open his business. Was this a sign, too? Google searches say it’s a positive sign. I hope it means he will pass his driver’s test this week and his business will be a success.  A gentle pat on the head to tell me to stop worrying about it all? I don’t honestly know but am going to keep being alert. Something is going on.

To be continued…

Here we are, almost Christmas. A season overflowing with some of my favorite things- glitter and Christmas carols! I should be overflowing with joy, right? It’s the most wonderful time of the year… It’s Christ’s birth and I’m a Christian…It’s all magic and wonder and hope and peace! Right? For some, probably. For me, not so much.

All of the truths about the season are hard to reconcile with my personal truths. Christmastime is just a mixed bag for me. I want to be merry but there’s always a shadow of grief that hangs over everything, from all the loved ones I’ve lost in December. Honestly, I just feel very lonely. It’s probably something I feel other times of the year but it’s just raw and amplified during this season of “togetherness.” And then there’s the financial stress and self-imposed pressure to get perfect gifts. The endless expectations. It’s often just hectic, overwhelming, stressful…and sad. It’s not a Christmas issue. It’s a me issue. As a kid, I loved Christmas! I have loved watching my son enjoy every Christmas! We do all the stuff and I do try to enjoy as much as possible. But there is just a kind of foundational layer inside that is just, meh.

So I did what I know to do. I prayed a quick, short prayer, asking God for Joy. Not to help me “find” it, I don’t have the energy; but to “give” me joy.  If I’m being completely honest, I prayed out of frustration, not because I expected anything to happen. I’ve resigned myself to just getting through Christmas and moving on. But God tends to show up in the most unexpected ways..

While shopping at Dollar Tree right after Thanksgiving, I found these whimsical 30 inch light up candy canes with timers built in. Kind of looked like a throwback from my childhood. Just plastic light up lawn ornaments. Screams fancy, right? You can see it in your mind’s eye and are probably spot on. Certainly nothing the HOA in one of those all-white-light fancy neighborhoods would approve for sure, but I don’t live in Fancytown, so there was no risk of neighborhood backlash for my decorative choices. But it was still a toss up. Was it quirky in a good way or a pat-mom-on-her-got-no-sense-of-style-head kind of way?  I really didn’t know for sure and I generally do not buy something unless I absolutely need it. I didn’t need a light up candy cane, but, for some reason, I bought it anyway. (Actually, I bought 4 of them.)

I got home and put batteries in them, turned them on, and There. It. Was. Glowing in me like in the candy cane. Kind of like the Grinch’s heart. It started small and began to grow. All warm inside and spreading across my face in a goofy grin. Seriously. It happened just like that. Joy. From a simple light up candy cane. No expectations. No pressure. No living up to anyone else’s ideas of perfect decorations or feelings. Just me, present in that moment, with a $1.25 lawn decoration. God knew my struggles with the season and my truth. And He wasn’t ashamed of me. He wasn’t disappointed in me. He wasn’t mad at me for ruining his birthday. He just pulled me onto his lap and gave me a candy cane. I was reminded that Joy is a Person, and He is with me always and cares about me and hears my faith the size of a mustard seed prayers, and answers them in very unexpected, tangible ways (thrift store shoes, cancelled visitation, winning theater tickets, and joy through candy canes).

I stuck those candy canes in my front yard, giddy like it was already Christmas morning. Every time I leave or return home, I see these simple candy canes and am just changed inside.  Priceless joy. For just $1.25 and a prayer from a broken place.

As I write this, there is a fawn parked in my backyard. It’s super cute and all that, for sure. Adorable little face and ears and wobbly stick legs. Curled up in the grass, well camouflaged by the tree. Did I mention that I live in a residential neighborhood without woods nearby? And I have a fenced yard? It’s a lovely space for a Husky/Shephard mix to run around in. Or it was.

We were out yesterday morning and a doe was standing on the other side of the fence just staring at us. My dog went sniffing and found out why she was so fixed on us. Her baby was on our side of the fence. We went inside, giving them space, hoping they would see it was not actually the safe space they thought, and move along. Looked out at lunchtime, still there. Baby in the grass and mama standing guard. Looked out after work. Still there. Walked the dog on a leash in the yard and the mama galloped to the fence making sure we knew she was not happy with us being there. In our yard. That I pay for. And my dog needs to poop in.

Some people refuse to do their business anywhere but home. That’s how my dog is. He will not poop on a walk. He will wait and hold it until we get home and then run out in his own yard to go. In the three years we have had him, he has never pooped anywhere but in his backyard. No idea what happened in the year before he found us but can only assume it was probably a thing then, too. It’s just his little quirky thing and it’s kind of endearing. But now we are being held hostage by a protective mama deer that won’t allow him to be in the yard. I did the only think I could do. I took him for a walk. A long-leash meander around the field at the school begging him to poop. Yes, out loud, begging my dog to poop. Please. Here. There. Anywhere. Now. Just poop. Please.

Although he thoroughly enjoyed the extra time walking and sniffing, there was no pooping. After we got home, I led him around the front yard begging him again to go. Nope. Claims he didn’t need to go. So I took him inside and my son and I left to run an errand. We were gone for about an hour and when we opened the door, were greeted by a smell that belied his little assertion that no poop needed to exit his body today.  I couldn’t be upset with him, though. This was not his routine in any way. And dang it, his potty had been occupied by uninvited guests all day! Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t like picking up logs from my family room floor but it’s fine. It’s not carpet. We will live. With a whole lot of disinfectant and air spray, all will be well.  But as I cleaned up the mess, I earnestly prayed for the deer to be gone by morning so we could put our lives back in order, poop and all.

Yeah, well, if you remember the first sentence of this little story, that prayer clearly was not answered. We got up today and all is the same. Cute fawn in the grass. Mean mama by the fence giving us the stink eye. Possibly even a more aggressive stance than yesterday. And it’s time for my dog to poop. So I walked him. No poop. Walked at lunch. No poop. Walked after work. No poop. He is so confused. He runs to the back door to go out and I grab his leash and put on his harness. He just stands there like he thinks I’ve lost my ever loving pet parent mind. I took him again for a walk at the school and eventually he just had to go, no matter what. I’m sure it’s exactly what happened yesterday in the family room. No fighting it any longer. It just came on out. Sucess! Well, I consider it a success. He didn’t like it at all. Seriously, poor pup looked ashamed when it happened, even with me praising him for doing it. It was a terrible experience for him to poop in a public place.

Currently, mama deer is in the yard and the fawn is nursing. Beautiful. And yet so annoying. My dog brought me his toy and ran to the door. We always play in the yard in the evening. Nope, buddy. Mean mama deer is out there. We aren’t allowed in the yard. I can’t keep doing this and really pray they leave tonight. (Update: they did not. Entering day three of deer eminent domain.)

I keep thinking, maybe, just maybe, there’s positive in this somewhere. Maybe it’s a good thing for my dog to be more comfortable pooping on the leash in public. It would definitely be needed if we went on a trip. Do I dare to say being trapped in my house by deer that won’t let my dog poop in his yard is a good thing? Nah, that’s just crazy talk.

Here’s hoping the duo finds a new yard and someone else’s poop to commandeer (pun intended).

I was in a local store I don’t usually go in, buying a 75 foot Magic Hose so I could clean the entire pool, not just the half the hose would reach. It was a steal for $10 and I was all happy and chatty as I plunked it down on the counter. Then the cashier uttered words that made me freeze. “Are you 55 or older?” I honestly did not move. Long pause, then very quietly without looking up from the credit card screen, “Um, no.” Apparently it was senior day at the store and those 55+ were entitled to an extra discount. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about a discount, but that just, wow. I didn’t see it coming. God love him. He tried to walk it back after he saw my reaction. “I have to ask everyone, unless they are, like, you know, a little kid.” Valiant effort kiddo but, um, yeah. Didn’t help. I went from spunky to defeated in a matter of seconds. Over what? A question about my age. Midfield can be tricky field position. I feel young, but do I look old? I don’t think so, but it’s very possible I am delusional. Doesn’t really matter. I’m good. But I’d like to keep that little uncomfortable conversation from happening again- well, until I can actually claim that discount. Then I’ll proudly accept it, thank you. Because I do love me a discount. All in good time. 

I was eating a bagel for breakfast and my dog was giving me his cute open-mouth-show-tiny-teeth sweet face thing which I naturally interpreted as his overwhelming love for me. I mean, why else would he look at me like that? So I willingly shared a good portion of my bagel with said sweet face while thinking this was a precious bonding moment with my furry boy. Alas, no. As soon as I popped the last bit of bagel in my mouth he promptly walked away. And there it was. He was just using me for food and didn’t even try to hide it. Stinker.